There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
All the doctor said was why
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
