I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
