i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize