looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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