can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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