Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
