you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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