Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
