He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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