When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you win again, gameday.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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