I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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