I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
