true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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