I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
