The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
