I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
