True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I want her autograph on my taint
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
