My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
