I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
