Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
