Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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