You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
