I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Every concussion has its silver lining
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
