508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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