I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
