I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
