Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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