what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
