There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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