Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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