Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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