My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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