Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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