Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
