I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
