Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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