So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
