If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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