You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I did not marry a roomba.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
