I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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