Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
