If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
