Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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