Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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