Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
