Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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