You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
