I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
