Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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