My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
