he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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