Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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