the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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