My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
