he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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