Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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