Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
