Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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