He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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