Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
