Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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