she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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