Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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