U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
